I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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