hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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