brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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