It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
