I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
