I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
