Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
