i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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