apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
