i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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