Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
