I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
