Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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