420 ftw
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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