never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
you had me at cake vodka
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize