How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
