Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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