from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
