I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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