I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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