I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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