I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
