my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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