i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
