....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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