Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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