Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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