Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
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