My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize