You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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