are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
