My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
