There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
