sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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