Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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