I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You took a bar mat shot.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
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