the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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