I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
