My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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