As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
i out mim tonsoeep
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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