can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
