toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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