i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
