need another drink. this is the easiest way
Michael Bay diarrhea
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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