so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
A+ Viking dick
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
