Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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