you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize