I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
