Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
