Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
