i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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