i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
