I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
