you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
