Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
