im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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