I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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