so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He did a backflip because drugs
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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