also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
her vagine was all disorganized.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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