I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
